Myths Die Hard

Thomas Sullivan

What? What did you just say? Oh, you have a god too? A different one than mine? Well, that kinda complicates things, doesn’t it? Cuz’ I’ve know since I was an itty-bitty child that mine was the only god. What’s that? They told you the same thing too? Well, clearly they lied to you. Cuz’ obviously you can’t have the only god when I have the only god. That’s just not possible. What? Are you serious? Hell no, I’m not backing down when I’m right. Guess there’s only one way to settle this. My poor people versus your poor people. A fight to the finish. We’ll give you the home field advantage since you’re so confused. Prepare to be wiped out, liar.

* * * *

Oh yeah baby, we bitch-slapped you when that wall came down, didn’t we. Miss your breadlines yet? Oh yeah, the good old free market, works every time once you get the bureaucrats out of the way. The Gipper was so right. Hey, that’s a nice sweater you got on, what’s that from, like 1950? Rising tide, my friend, rising tide. Lifts all the boats. Hold on a second, I need to check this email on my new iPad. Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell is this? You’re raising my goddamn premiums again? Thirty percent? How am I supposed to afford that? I’m already paying out the nose for daycare, private school, student loans, and interest on the furniture. Jesus, whatt’re ya tryin’ to do, drive me onto food stamps?

* * * *

You’re getting what? Tell me this isn’t happening. Please tell me that my only son did not just say he’s marrying a guy on his college lacrosse team. What’s that? No, no, that’s completely different, apples and oranges. Yes, true, your mother was my third wife, but that’s irrelevant to this situation. Plus, all three divorces were totally the woman’s fault. What? No, I am not getting hyper-emotional about this. Women are impossible to live with. What, what? Wait, let me repeat what you just said, just to make sure I’m not hearing voices or something. Maybe women are impossible for me to live with because I wasn’t meant to be with women? Um, hey, I’ve uh got another call coming in. Sorry, I need to answer this. Gotta go.

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